The courage to GROW!

"Maybe once we move to Halifax and are closer to family...maybe then I'll want another baby."
"Maybe once I decide the direction I really want my career to go in we can start trying for another``
"Maybe once I finish my 1/2 marathon we'll start thinking about growing our family."

There was always something standing in the way with deciding whether or not we wanted to grow from being parents of an only child to parents of the unthinkable...two children! I was never certain. I loved being a mommy of one.
I loved the independence Gabe was starting to gain.
I loved the freedom in our schedule we were starting to get back.
I loved the financial stability of a 2 household income with only one child in daycare...part time at that.

And then came some major life changes that put a lot into perspective for me.

There were deaths on both sides of our family.

The death on Jasons side of the family gave me the chance to spend more time with his family in Ontario. Specifically some of his cousins that were siblings. Seeing them interact and lean on each other in a way that only siblings can reminded me of the beauty of sibling relationships. Something that can`t be found anywhere else.

Then came a very challenging death on my side of the family. One that broke my heart. But when I think about it - almost every time I reflect back to receiving news of my ailing loved on or some new twist or turn I remember my brother. I remember being home alone in my sorrow when my brother (and his lovely wife) showed up at my door and embraced me in a hug and let me cry into his shoulder. Being surrounded by the warmth of love that a full family built around siblings of my Aunt made me see the the support and love that comes from siblings, and family.

I also have developed a few meaningful friendships since moving to Halifax. And I can think of 2 in particular that both of a toddler Gabes age and a younger baby in tow. They both handle their motherhood in stride (although I`m sure they don`t always feel that way :) ) and the love that they are able to spread to both of their children is remarkable. They are both so joy fulled basking in the love of their children. They speak volumes of what it means to watch the relationship form and develop between their two children. Yes, they have been honest in telling me the trials they have had in growing their family, but I have seen in them and their families time and time again how the joy has far outweighed the trials. They have given me the courage that I need to say that I can do this!

So we moved. And I still hadn`t made up my mind.
I made a change in my career, but I still feel somewhat unsettled and not sure of what the future holds.
I ran my half marathon. And was still undecided.

But I had run out reasons to put growing our family on hold. I had too many reasons to give it a try. So we decided to step out...and see what happens. Besides, it took a year the first time with Gabe. So we had at least a year to get comfortable with the idea....that`s what we said the end of February. It is now middle of May and I am finishing my first trimester of pregnancy. Definitely didn`t take a year.

I am growing (a little more then I wish already!). Our family is growing. I`m far more nervous and overwhelmed then I was when I was expecting with Gabe. But I know, because of everything I`ve seen and heard and felt over this past year, I know that it`s the right choice for our family. And it`s the right time for our family. And I`m so happy.

Little newborn Gabe...he`s not going to be the baby for much longer!

Everybody Lies about - High School....the best days of your life.

I remember hearing this over and over and over through my High School years. Things like "enjoy these years, they are the best of your life."
I remember one day leaving bio class to go to the washroom and stopping at a water fountain for a drink. Standing there looking down the long scuzzy hallway of lockers that led me back to my painfully boring class thinking "really?! this is as good as it gets?". Not in a depressing way...but in a way that was more daunting then anything else.

 Let's recap.

Classes that were elected on your behalf - and generally weren't that interesting.

Pressure, pressure, pressure! Pressure to do the right thing, say the right thing, wear the right thing.

General akwardness of high schoolers - body odor, cliques, hormones.

Dating in high school = breakups in high school. This is the type of heartbreak only a hormone raging high schooler can have. One that makes you really truly feel that your world has fallen apart and never ever  will you get over that boy/girl that you definitely were going to marry.

The intensity of feelings in high school - love and hate.

High school hormones in general. They're all over the map.

Heavy backpacks. Seriously...I swear I have back issues today!

Bullying. It was as real then as it was now. And it comes in the most unlikely of places, at least it did for me.

And to quote Brittany Spears...you're "not a girl, not yet a woman" (so glad I could quote her). High school seems to be this "in between" stage where you think you know who you are. You think you are old enough and mature enough. But really, you aren't even age of majority yet. You have so little knowledge of the world outside of your school, your home, your peers. You have little concept of risk vs. reward and yet you feel that you should be given all the freedom of an adult.

...Just to name a few.

If I'm going to get more personal I would dare to say that my High School years were some of the worst in my life. I felt very uncomfortable with who I was and was going through a very...ahem...akward stage. Getting on the bus to drive 40 minutes into the sticks for 7 hours of classes, pressure and peers and then 40 minutes back. Then either going immediately to my part time job or burying my nose in those heavy books or math assignments...that was not the most luxurious of ways to be spending my time.

And the people. Oh the people. I had some mean girls in high school - I felt belittled and bullied. I felt heartbroken and lonely. And I felt like what they said to me (or behind my back) truly defined who I was. It took me a long time out of High School to rise above that and their ignorance and learn to love me for me. A long time to grow in who I was and learn who I wanted to become.

And I look at my life now.  It's beautiful. I like myself (and most days I love myself). I have an amazing husband of 8 years! A truly supportive family. Wonderful and fun friends who are encouraging and loving to be around. A good career that I feel achieved and thriving in. And a beautiful, amazing, healthy boy who is the pride and job of my life. I am far removed from the "best days of my life" and I confidently feel as though the best days of my life are just now getting started.





Disclaimer: I realize that it took me an awfully long time to write this post . When I first said what my first lie was going to be my parents were nervous that I would be too negative. They saw my High School years first hand. So I wanted to treat lightly. So I moved away from elaborating too personally about my High School years and tried to generalize a bit more.